Thresh Quits Quake?
In a dramatic turn of events, Dennis "Thresh" Fong, world renowned gaming expert and undefeated Quake champion, announced that he has officially retired from Quake and all future first person games. The announcement ends months of speculation about Thresh and his status as a competitive player. Would he ever compete in tournaments again? Was Death Row practicing secretly? Some months ago, gamers from the hardcore Quake community suggested that Thresh and his clan were playing under assumed names - the most commonly suspected alias was "Bubbly Gump" from "Clan Gump." Today our founder revealed to us that he's no longer playing Quake. But why?
Gotta Catch 'Em All
With his back turned to the first person gaming phenomenon he helped promote, what is Thresh's next challenge? What would the world's most feared gamer quit Quake for? As it turns out, Thresh has quit Quake to pursue a career in Pokemon
. We asked Dennis a series of questions about the recent past and future. As usual, questions are in bold
and answers are in plain type.
Thresh's desk reflects his new ambitions
FiringSquad: So have you been playing Quake 3 at all or what?
Dennis: No way. Finding, catching, and training Pokemon is a fulltime job. Being the CEO of a promising internet startup is plenty to keep me busy on the side.
FiringSquad: So….you're telling us that you are a Pokemon trainer first and a businessman second?
Dennis: Isn't that the natural order of things?
Snorlax on the monitor - Pokemon Yellow and a Pokemon Guide below it
FiringSquad: Uh…right. But you MUST be playing some amount of Quake 3. Other Quake experts have said that BubblyGump could only have been you, and that Clan Gump is Death Row in disguise.
Dennis: Look man, I didn't have time for any matches then. I was busy trying to get my Charmander to evolve to a Charmeleon at the time that Gump was around. I've got logs to prove it…
FiringSquad: OK OK we believe you. But why quit Quake? And why Pokemon of all things?
Dennis: I really felt that after a couple of years of playing Quake, it was time to move on to something new. Deathmatch gets to be the same old thing over and over again. Catching and training Pokemon is so much more satisfying; it offers a fresh experience every time. You never know how they're going to react to your guidance! All things considered, it takes more skill to be a great Pokemon trainer than to be an elite Quake player.
Another motivating factor is that the Pokemon community is so much larger than Quake. There's a ton of competition out there - Pokemon is a much bigger mountain to climb than Quake ever was. It's my goal now to become the greatest Pokemon trainer that the world has ever seen.
More Pokemon stuff
FiringSquad: But I thought that title already belonged to Ash Ketchum from Pallet Town.
Dennis: SCREW ASH! I'm going to beat down that little twerp and show him how a real man trains Pokemon! Ever since he got that TV show he's been going around thinking that he's the bomb. Well the truth is that he's nothing. All he has is a big mouth. In the next Pokemon tournament I'm going to shock the world - him and that pissant little Pikachu of his are never going to know what hit them!
FiringSquad: And how do you propose to do that?
Dennis: I'll let you in on what my secret weapon is. I've been training it for months and now he's got better aim than a bot. Here's the secret: I've taught my Psyduck how to use a railgun. The little guy never misses.
This Psyduck ain't no pushover
FiringSquad: No kidding? A railgun toting Pokemon?
Dennis: Hell yeah. With that Psyduck, I'm going to be unstoppable. I parade him out there, and at first no one takes him seriously. But the second he whips out the rail, the laughing stops and the fragging begins.
FiringSquad: Are you worried that Team Rocket might try and steal this Psyduck? They're always trying to take Ash's Pikachu.
Dennis: Nah - I keep close watch over my Pokemon. Unlike Ash's insolent Pikachu, my Psyduck stays in his Pokeball
FiringSquad: Mind if we ask your Psyduck a couple questions?
Dennis: No problem - [whips out pokeball] PSYDUCK, I CHOOSE YOU!
FiringSquad: Hello Psyduck - we hear you're pretty good with a rail. Think you could take out Immortal on Q2DM1?
Dennis: Maybe he'll be more up to an interview later. Looks like he's got a headache right now. PSYDUCK, RETURN!
FiringSquad: No Problem. Thanks for your time Dennis, and for clearing up all the rumors about you and your gaming future.
Jigglypuff answers Thresh's phone
Dennis: It was my pleasure. Now if you'll excuse me, I think that one of my Wartortles is about to evolve into a Blastoise. I need to attend to it.
FiringSquad: Just one more question! Denn, was that you in the recent X-Files episode?
Dennis: Uh...no comment.
Well there you have it - the final word on the question plaguing everyone's mind (and FiringSquad's email boxes) for the last several months. If you were naïve enough to believe a word of this article, then please send $500 in small, unmarked, nonsequential bills to the following address for more information about Thresh's retirement, and a voucher for a test drive of his Ferrari:
c/o Bob Colayco
555 Buyaclue Boulevard
Youmustbejoking, CA 99999
Meowth and Charmander take a spin on the Ferrari
Happy April Fool's Day from your friends at FS!