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Space Pirate Ninja: The story of the ultimate heritage

Everyone knows of the eternal feud between pirates and ninjas. They are mortal enemies possessing ultimate power only to use in fashion that can only be described as bad ass. What mortals do not know is that I am the heritage of the improbable union between a pirate and a ninja. It is an interesting story, so I shall tell you know.

The legend of my existence between back in the 1970's where afros were in and heavy metal was decreed by demonic divinity. My young father was doing what most teenagers did in the 1970's for fun: punting cats over neighborhood fences. Ever wonder how that old crazy cat lady down the street was able to collect so many pets? They were delivered to her backyard by the feet of my father and his generation. One day my dad was busy sending a tiger over the stone wall of some rich hag (I'm told that that place later became zoo because of this). A guy dressed all in black with a guitar hanging over his back appeared out of no where. My father instantly knew that this guy was into heavy metal and wanted to know what band the stranger was in. Impressed by my fathers cat kicking, the stranger handed my dad tickets to a concert that night. However, the stranger said that he didn't have a name for his and even he didn't have a name to call his own. This seemed normal to my dad so he paid no thought to the comments, not even an alert when the stranger disappeared in an instant.

That night my dad drove to the stadium printed on the ticket stub. At the door, the security guards motioned to go back stage. Those were not mere tickets the band member handed my father, but full access back stage passes. My father knew these guys were awesome but he was left unprepared for the awesomeness that he found back stage. Once he turned the corner, four swords were at his throat ready to slice his neck open. At the end of those blades were the hands of ninjas holding them. The strange man who gave my dad the tickets told the ninja's to let them and they disappeared into the shadows from which they came. My dad thought the day couldn't get any more awesome but he was wrong. Right then he was asked to join them as a roadie and learn the art of ninjitsu.

So for the next few years of his life, my father was on tour with a heavy metal band composed of ninjas. The distinct sound of whaling guitars were heard in every city they travelled through.

It was when a bunch of little green alien men attacked the tour bus that my dad's career as a roadie ended. Apparently little green alien men have something against the awesome that are ninja. Anyway, in the midst of the battle by dad was knocked unconscious and taken prisoner. After a brief interrogation he was thrown into a prison cell of some alien space station. Putting all the ninja training he received to good use, he escaped from his chamber and explored the space station. It wasn't long before he found a room full of green alien women. My dad knew he'd be like Captain Kirk with all these alien women but with better acting. It was then why he knew the the green alien men went around the galaxy attacking all ninja - they were jealous.

After having his way with all the alien women, he continued exploring the space station. The alarms started going off. Either one of the guards found his cell empty or they found those alien women who could no longer walk. Having exhausted a lot of his energy, escape was the best option. Coincidentally, he stumbled into a room full of portals to other places. If my dad had paid better attention to the foreign language classes in high school, he would have been able to read the alien signs telling him that they lead to another dimension.

So while my dad eluded the alien guards, he returned to a different planet Earth. In this reality, it was ruled by vicious cat people. Falling back to his habit of punting feline critters over large obstacles, it wasn't long before my father became ruler of this version of Earth.

Instead of little green alien men attacking Earth on day, it was a tribe of female space pirates. Considering there love for cute, fuzzy animals, they took half the population of cat people prisoner. My dad didn't care as he was still able to punt the other half around. It was those actions that got the attention of those female pirates. Considering what he saw were all hot women, he used his hospitality to throw a big party. See, unlike the female pirates in this universe, they did not have beards and weigh two tons. My father was obviously confused about this.

Anyway, the oldest, wisest and hottest pirate of them all, the queen of the space pirate, was invited. Her ancient knowledge predates the advent of the first ninja in this universe, so she knew what my father was and what she'd be doing in the upstairs bedroom. Or she was just drunk. Regardless, by 5 AM the next morning she was gone along with all the female space pirates. What remained was me drinking tequila out of a baby bottle on the floor.

Having created the biggest paradox that could possibly ever happen anywhere, the little green men were able to find me and my father. This time my dad was prepared for their attack and was able to hijack one of their ships back to their space station. The green alien women were flocking around the space shipping waiting for my dad to do his Captain Kirk impersonation with them. While he could have spent time with green alien women, getting home with me was a more pressing issue. Using his ninja skills, he was able to avoid the both the horny crowd and the guards to make it back to the portal room. This time he made it back into his native reality.

Or at least that is what I think happened when I woke up this morning with a hang over and an empty bottle in my hand....