3 comments

» MEDIA (1) Clothing positioned to minimze the appearance of soiling.

Editor's note - last domestic-type entry, promise. :)

Recruiting posters extoll the virtues of whatever cause they are supporting. Whether through intentional or accidental omission, certain parts of performing one's duty in the support of that cause are left off the posters. This same axiom holds true for parenthood.

While there are no posters advertising parenthood, there are certain impulses hardwired into the brains of humans which often encourage the desire for procreation. These impulses do not warn of some of the extremely hazardous situations in which one might become involved, should a decision be made to proceed with having a child. While I am strongly a proponent of having children (for most people), this entry will outline a typical response to one such situation. While every attempt has been made to confine the text to a strictly clinical narrative, the reader is warned that some mild imagery is indeed used to illustrate the situation. Reader discretion is therefore advised.

My daughter was involved in such an incident last night, awakening us with the "holy crap, I've vomited all over myself" alarm. Once the source of the alarm is pinpointed, instinct takes over. I am typically the "first responder" to the scene, in this case, my daughter's bedroom. A normal first action is the short-term comforting of the patient, to prepare her for transfer to the bathroom. Generally, Mary (my wife) meets us in the bathroom, and handles the triage effort - the assessment of damage suffered by clothing, the positioning of the patient's face over the toilet to attempt to contain any secondary explosions, and - if necessary - the preparation of a bath.

I return to ground zero, removing my contaminated socks along the way. The hallway between bedroom and bathroom generally suffers some collateral damage, but cleanup of this area is deferred in favour of giving the blast site itself the appropriate attention. The bed bears the brunt of the attack, usually requiring a complete removal of all bedsheets. The pillow and pillowcase do occasionally survive unscathed, but more often than not, these too are removed. Heavy damage to the blast site may require that the mattress is sprayed and dried with a hair dryer.

Once the bed has been given attention, the soiled sheets are typically used (in conjunction with cleaning spray) to address any damage in the hallway, and sheets are discarded in the laundry room (see attached picture). I return to ground zero, retrieving some clean pyjamas, delivering those to the triage area. At this point, a brief conference is held with Mary to determine how best to proceed. If this is the first or second attack of the evening, we are generally supplied well enough to use clean bedsheets to make ground zero habitable once again. If, however, the situation warrants, a sleeping bag is set up in our bedroom to accomodate the patient.

I am instructed as to whether the noise of doing a load of laundry is an acceptable risk in the face of a possible awakening by the child who has not been involved in the incident, and the conference is ended. I then carry out orders which resulted from the conference (either the replacement of bedsheets or the unfurling of a sleeping bag in our room) while my wife will dress the patient in clean clothing. The patient is then delivered to the appropriate area and instructed to make every effort to return to sleep. Typical time from first response to a return to sleeping area is between ten and fifteen minutes.

The following morning, over coffee, we compare notes, and discuss any followup measures which may be required. These may include a visit to the local medical clinic, the cancellation of any appointments during the day, and - in cases of severe contamination of multiple sites - the rental of a carpet cleaning machine. Any inefficiencies which are identified are addressed, and the team prepares itself to respond to any further incidents which may arise during the day.

In a parental squad, crisis response is crucial to preserving the cohesiveness of the unit, and minimizing emotional trauma to the members of the squad. Flexibility and adaptation are key in any situation, especially one as highly emotional as that outlined in this text. It is the hope of the author that this text may be used by other squads as they prepare their own battle manuals.

The Link of the Day today reflects the lack of sleep accumulated by the author due to the aforementioned crisis situation. Enjoy!

-dave

External Link: http://www.nutsonline.com/chocolatessweets/moregoo...